Parallel Universe

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Have you ever just sat and watched people try to parallel park? It’s F!@#ing ridiculous. First of all, here is one definition of Parallel. (of straight lines) Lying in the same plane but never meeting no matter how far extended. So, if you are backing up and your tire is directly meeting the curb over and over again, chances are you are not following this(not to mention you look like a complete moron). If your vehicle comes with a back up camera and you are still unable to parallel park please do me a favor and put one of those “How’s my driving?” stickers on your car. Please include your direct phone number so while I am standing where you can see me in your camera, I can make sure to call you so you can hear all the bad things I am saying about you.  On a side note, If you end up completing the job and it looks like the photo above you are going to get a lot more s#@t than that.

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Ear-itable Bowel

Have you noticed how damn quiet it is inside public restrooms!? They can have music playing through the entire mall but not a single sound in the restroom to try to distract potty noise. From the moment you push that creekin’ door open and start hoping no one else is inside, the silence begins. Everything looks clear until that awkward moment that you make eye contact through the crack of the stall with that other lucky person that is having stomach issues and poopin’ soup. By the way, they have been holding back and clenching their ass from the moment you opened the door to avoid that embarrassing “Bloop” sound. Come on you know you all do it! If there was music you could at least time it to the drum.

Check ya R8er!

So I’m drivin’ to Fox Studios for work and I’m in my busted ass 97′ BMW. I pull up to this R8 with a hottie in it and of course my breathalyzer starts going off. What a F@!#in’ treat! Trying to smile and blow at the same time is NOT a good look. Feeling like a complete asshole is a great way to start the day!! #MyLife